Rising

Yesterday I made my decision to apply to SMU's Cox School of Business for my MBA. They seem to have a wonderful program that would really build my professional career and I am very excited about my decision. I realize the first obstacle is getting in, but if it where to happen, WOW. My whole life would change. Maybe it's the change I have been seeking.

So, I am beginning to plan for the rest of my life.

One of the reasons I made the decision to further my education was because I wanted to stand out above the rest. Being a petite, hispanic female in the corporate enviroment can work against you in most circles. Not to mention being a single mom with two kids. I am starting to feel the anxiety most students feel when applying for a college they really want to get into.

But then the great words of Maya Angelo rang sweetly into my ear and bring a peace into my heart... "I rise"

I Rise
I Rise
I Rise

and everything will work out fine!

Victoria Secret

A woman's underwear is meant to serve a few purposes; comfort, protection, sex appeal. I enjoy wearing underwear (sometimes;)) for all three reasons but the only thing is it's hard to find the best of both worlds. Sexy underwear are usually not comfortable and comfortable underwear are usually not sexy.

And even if I did find some sexy, comfortable underwear, why would I wear them for everyday use? I don't want to ruin my sexy underwear. I want to save them for a day I can flaunt them. Those special days:)!

I had this conversation with a friend yesterday and she said she wears sexy underwear all the time. Why??? And then I had another thought does what you wear underneath have any reflection on the outside? Would I more appeal ling to the opposite sex if I wore sexy underwear all the time? Am I not sexy because I don't feel sexy? If it is true that who you are is based on who you think you are, than maybe I am not sexy because I don't think I am.

Hmmmm...I'm wearing my sexy underwear tomorrow!

Aaaaah!!!!

I need to let my late night frustration out. Aaaaaaah!!!! Today I realized that there is something that I do hate, discrimination. And it 's not so much discrimination against color anymore, it's against classes.

I went to have a beer with Erika and the most big headed drunk man came and sat right next to me to talk. He was drunk so I went along with the meaningless conversation you would normally have with a drunk stranger when suddenly he snapped his finger and yelled "hey" to the young Hispanic woman cleaning the tables. He wanted a light for his cigarette (eewh). I was appalled by the way he treated her and demanded that he give her an apology. Of course he didn't, idiot. And his friend was not any help either. JERKS!

I realized that discrimination is very prevalent still today, but it has shifted a little. Now it's not just about the color of your skin. It's more about what position you hold and how much money you have. Whether or not they can pronounce your name or what label of clothes you wear. How shallow!

I hate this.

I love people who are different than myself. They are beautiful and unique. I have a lot to learn from them. Who cares if I cannot pronounce their name properly, I will try. If there is a language I cannot speak, I will try to comprehend. If there is something I can give, I will give and not demand. I think our society has it all backwards. Lord forgive me if I ever judge or discriminate another. That is not what I believe in and not who I want to be.

As for those idiots....aaaah, whatever. I will not worry about thier ignorance.

obituary

I was reading the obituaries today...not something i do regularly, but I think I might start. It made me think about a lot of things but one thought stood out over the others...

One true measurement of the value you have added with your life is known by how people speak of you when you are dead.

Unmotivated

Today has been kind of a blur to me. I arrived at work totally unmotivated and my biggest accomplishment to day was to create and address invitations to a business mixer (which will be a useless two hours spent hanging around the branch after hours anyway). When the branch manager said that my main focus today would be to get the invitations out I chuckled to myself...out loud...oops. I thought sarcastically, "Wow, I am so useful!"

Then, I started thinking about life as I always do and I realized something. I haven't been very useful with as much as I think I have. I mean, I dream big and I hope big but what have I really done? Nothing really.

I am at a point in my career where I need a dramatic change but what have I really done about it? What will I do? What steps have I taken to prepare myself for success? What am I good at? What will bring me fulfillment?

Nothing really. All I do is dream big. No action.

I can say, "Oh, it's because I have not time." But who does? And when I do have time all I feel like doing is sitting at home...comfortable...dreaming.

Am I really the type of person to make a big impact on the world? Am I a female, hispanic version of Donald Trump? Not really.

So I ask myself again, what will it take? What do I need to change? I hate that question.

Question?

Is who we are and what we do (the choices we make) mainly based on the things programmed (influenced) into our minds by others (family, friends, society, church, educators, etc)?

If so, should we choose the people we allow to belong into our lives more wisely? Or is the circle of influence we have divinely set before us?

Or rater than filter the people in our lives, should we consciously and cautiously filter what influences us at all times? That sounds like a lot of work.

Single

I don't want to be 40 year old single woman. I want to be done with the dating phase in my life by then. I hope to be with someone by that time and moving on to accomplishing other great things in my life. Conquering the world, with my partner by my side...or me by his side.

Companionship

Today I felt a deep longing for companionship. A longing for a connection with someone beyond the bedroom (but with the bedroom included). It came out of nowhere but I felt it deep within me. It was very real to me. It felt secure and stable but yet I was vulnerable and weak. I felt for a moment as if I were in a locked embrace with someone with firm, strong arms and a gentle heart. It was beautiful. I felt I could trust this companion with my heart, my soul, my body, my mind.

After that moment passed, I was suddenly very sad. I know I have never had such a connection but I long for it still. But is it not a natural way of life.? Will I ever experience such a thing?

I have never felt secure with a man. I am always doubtful and leary, overanalyzing and underestimating of what they have to offer. I have not let go of my independence with anyone. Hmmm....

Showering

This morning I woke up at 5:30 as usual and I felt a big urge to skip showering. I finally shook that feeling off and then I realized why we hear about big stars such as Brad Pitt and Matthew McConaughey and thier lack of personal hygiene; they are tired of all the glamour. They want to feel like men, oh and they are very manly ;)) Plus, they know they can get away with anything and still look good. Must be nice.

Eyes Create

I saw you
You creation of light
This beautiful
Full of energy and life
I saw through the light
With my glossed over eyes
I saw you and everything inside
I saw you, as I wished in my heart
I saw you before I every laid eyes
But I never looked into your eyes
I felt your warmth
Your strength
I saw what I needed inside
Of me, the hope in my heart
But I never looked into your eyes
I saw you
Different
Beautiful
I saw you
Outside
Complicated but I understood
I saw you
Creation
Inside
I made sense in my own mind
I stepped inside
Overwhelming my heart
I want to see more
From outside
I looked into your heart
Into your eyes
Into my mind
No unique thought
Empty
Nothing but me
But I knew completely
I saw you
Only in my heart
When I look I see
Completed
Only in me
The only place for me now
Is in you

Fasting

Yesterday, I fasted for the entire day. I didn't really know why I was doing it, I just felt it very heavy on my heart. It wasn't hard to handle but it was hard to not give into the temptation of all the delicious and fragrant food I could not have. The most unbearable thing was the thought of not being able to have what I wanted qhen I wanted it. Otherwise, I felt pretty good the whole day.

I thought by doing so I would have a great epiphany about my life or God or anything but I didn't. I gave in about 10 o'clock have a couple of bites of nachos and then I fell asleep. Today I ate as normal and I still wondered what was the whole the purpose of me fasting. AND then, just a few moments ago, it finally hit me. It wasn't about me at all. It wasn't about my life or my personal connection to God. It was for someone else. It was for another who is going through a hard time, a broken road, a weary path, a torn heart, a malfunctioning body, an unsound mind. It was a sacrifice for another to connect spiritually with the universe and with God. It was so beyond me and my own thoughts.

That's pretty deep. It makes me never want to eat again. Unfortunately, I know it is not an experience I can recreate. If I try again on my own, it will be done in vain. I just hope I didn't get in the wayof it serving its purpose.

First Time User

I am really excited about today. Today I begin this new journey of self exploration by placing the first post in my new blog. I have recently discovered the great freedom of writing and presenting my thoughts to others thanks to the example of a few friends who share thier thoughts freely. I am by no means a good writer or speller or grammerer but I enjoy the part of being able to share what is inside of me and not letting it get lost with other thoughts and go to waste.

I have always been careful to say or share things with others because of the fear of being judged or misunderstood. I always thought "maybe I can meet someone who I can share everything with...and they will always care about what I have to say." I haven't found that yet so now, by putting it in a blog and not just on paper it takes another meaning. People can read it and relate to it or read it and misunderstand it and either one is ok. I am not fearful of thier interperation because it is a part of me, not them. If they misunderstand they cannot take it personally. If they can relate then awesome. If they hate it or don't care about what I have to say they don't have to read it. Simple as that.